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1. |
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I can feel myself decaying.
No effort made, I'll just melt away.
Fuck me why can't I stop doing this to myself
Just cruising into my grave.
Constant self sabotage I can't even eat
I can't care to thrive. Why am I like this?
Wasting every chance I get, just don't take them. I just lock my doors
Fuck, why can't I relax for just a second it's all a chore
Fuck I'm going numb again, guess today's no good
Fuck I just want to be fine again, not so useless
Not so useless. Just want to be normal. Want to be happy
I can't do it.
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2. |
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All of my life, ever since I was a kid, never could pursue the things I like.
Couldn't even try, every fucking trap was set for me to fail.
No self confidence, it's been trimmed from me since birth
Everyday another fucking insult being lobbed at me
You don't carry yourself like you should. Skin is torn to shit, you don't even try.
Why do you think you have anything to give? Give up on this shit
Be a normal son
Why do you think I can't do it?
Cut my achilles, didn't even look
And now years past I sit writing abuse songs
You don't. No. You're fine.
I'm embarassed. Feel pathetic
I'm affected by things that transpired a decade ago -- enough to write this shit about it
Melodramatic--what am I saying?
How can I expect it to all go away when I can't address it without undermining sincerity?
I need to feel it. I need to.
(Jake)
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3. |
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Is it enough to just live when you still feel like shit?
Every single day trying to stay afloat
I want out, I want to take a break
Every single day, every single day
Fuck, I don't want to die, but do I want to live?
I don't want to be here-- glad the process worries me
But I'm not happy with the way life left me
I'm just gonna stay here 'cause the process worries me
And I know I've got to worry about other things.
I got mouths to feed. Can't afford to shut down
I can't get my mind clear, why can't anyone see me?
For now I'll just go on autopilot
It's not enough to just live when you still feel like shit
Every single day failing to stay afloat
I need out, I need to take a break
Every single day, every fucking day
In navigating all this I'm so fucking lost
Don't have the framework for feeling good - fuck
No art in this, it's just a cry for help
No, I'll be fine. I'll be just fine.
No I'll be just fine, I'll just quit I'm making it weird
No I'll be just fine, just shut up don't think about it
No I'll be just fine. I'll be fine. I'll be fine.
I'll be fine when I can fucking go to sleep at night
No I'll be just fine, I'll just quit I'm making it weird
No I'll be just fine, just shut up don't think about it
No I'll be just fine. I'll be fine. I'll be fine.
I'll be fine when I can fucking go to sleep at night
I can't talk about it or else it gets awkward
I can't think about it or it take up my whole day
I can't cope about it never had the skillset
Never had to face it now I'm a fucking adult
I can't talk about it or else it gets awkward
I can't think about it or it take up my whole day
I can't cope about it never had the skillset
Never had to face it, can I even face it?
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4. |
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In Dreams I still see that smile
Cave it in then wake up and try to just live my day
Shove it all down
No
Let it all out
I can't fucking think about this horseshit
Without starting a tornado of shit
Fuck my mind
Deep desire
Keep this violent shit at bay
I can't help my ways
Childhood making it feel kinda fucking strange
to be mild
Weak to be kind
Impulses must be denied or you'll push in
My will flatlined.
Lost my sense of me
A sense that I'm living my life
I dont know who I
Dont know who I am
I put all my eggs in a bag with a hole in it
Went and bet it all on black when all I saw was red
Someone help me find my place, all I know is mine
Is a fucking mound of skin that someone bruised time--
--and again, the same shit
Spilling all over myself and I can't reach out to a friend
Mind blockade
Trying to get over all this years old shit
Childhood was shit
I can't. I can't. Fuck this.
I can't do this all now
I've locked my cage
I feel safe
I've locked my cage
I'm home
I'm alive but not living
Waiting around for shit to fix my head
Don't put in work, expect it to be on its own
Why do I think I deserve it?
Tear out my hair and yank on all of my teeth
Tear off my skin and hang it out to dry
I don't need these fucking flesh formalities
All that they do is preserve dirty rotten meat.
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5. |
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Fuck
I dont't wanna think
I don't wanna leave my bed
I just wanna play dead
Stuck in a rut again, it's my fault, it always is.
Don't wash my hair
Don't know who to blame, maybe it's just me
I'm making progress and then backslide takes me back to fucking
Been here before, been here my whole life
Maybe it's just me
Pick it up, pick it up, straighten up your back young man
Let go of me!
No turning back, now I know, fuck
Memories all cursed
Memories of how you treated everyone you couldn't groom
And I want it back
Every minute I spent worried about looking bad in the eyes of that freak
Fuck you and the power trips - household politics
Couldn't take the fucking torture
I want it back
Can't get it back
Stop looking back
I can't move on if I can't accept the finality
But it doesn't work
Why do I still hurt?
Did I deserve to burn?
I was raised by a fucking predator
Why did God decide we fucking need this pain
I was spared the worst of it but I'm still feelng broken. Defeated.
But I can't dwell. I can't help.
Fuck it.
Cant ignore the swirling vortex swallowing my mind if I try screaming fuck it fuck you it won't make it stop or make it fake.
I'm reeling and not healing and I'm not sure I can take it but I'll try oh God I'll try oh God I'll try oh God I'll try...
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6. |
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How is it still getting worse? Everything still fucking hurts. How can I move foreward when it takes so little to crash?
Try to just do something small. Try to just reach out to someone I know but everyone seems out of reach. Can't even begin to t-t-t-talk.
I've been feeling so alone surrounded with love. Feel like I'm not meant to have it, dont deserve to feel right.
I got it mixed up with rubber and glue; good feelings bounce back to you.
Every nonsense feeling I have sticks with me all day.
Want to simply not exist. Want to become nothing
I don't even want to die, just want to be blank.
Feel like iI'm repeating days. Feels like I'm losing my mind.
I'm losing time and hearing shit again.
That voice. Calling me. Fuck. I can't Pretend I..
Can't pretend I don't feel it
Can't decide what isn't real
Can't figure out how I'll heal
I don't know how to keep living
Why is it still getting worse? Of course it's still getting worse. Why would it get better when I do nothing but make it worse?
Fuck. Why do I live like this? How can I live like this?
I can't get this weight off my back long enough to crawl out.
Fuck. I was not meant for this. I can't just hate for this.
Have to refrain from this fucking feeling that I'm fated to be a waste of time. A waste of everybody's patience. A fucking drain on all my friends' good will
One day I'll be happy. One day I'll get it. Bide my time. If I make it.
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released April 23, 2022
