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GLOBAL AND OFFENSIVE

by hitbox

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1.
Cant feel love Why is it so Hard to Let it in Heart overflows But nothing makes it thru Built a brick wall While I was sleeping Mortared with trauma The pieces slide right in No-one gets in At first that was the point But the sunlight hardened faster than I expected Now I'm clawing with nothing wasnt prepared for this Now I'm trapped in the dark Desperate for company May have built this Tomb But it's not my fault It's A long fuckin story Thought I had no choice Thought it was right It was Normal as day to me May have built this Tomb Without A key In a lapse of my young judgement but What do you expect What should I have done Would feeling it be better I cant feel love offered to me I can only give and hope it's returned My Whole Life Stuck with a feeling of Anxiousness towards all my peers Couldn't make a connection Love Was Just A word said to pacify Justify Not a real feeling What I would give for a chance to go back And explain to myself that it wasnt normal To feel this emptiness That there's more at play here Fuck Me Why Did it have to go this way Empty pain I can't handle it Day By Day I keep feeling life less It keeps up I'll keep sinking lower In To This Abyss that my mind's become I wont care I'll be too detatched Day By Day I'll just get more useless Taking up All of my friends mental space I Wont Care I may finally know peace If I can Kill this part of me Is it Too much To ask To feel some affection Is it Enough To live With lack of emotion Am I Enough To be Worth being cared about Is it Too late For me To turn my life around Is it? I'm so fucking tired It's all so fucking dull
2.
I'm Seeing the eyes in the dark again Always watch every move hoping to catch me Cant even tell what is real I'm always looking over my shoulder Convinced that somethings there Fuck Losing face to the void again Broadcasting all of my failures to Mysterious entities or Any motherfucker with a reason to harm I'm Consuming Anything to dull the edge So I dont think about the things That others can Percieve about my life Conscious leaving In a state of emptyness The eyes return they're always there To think I'll escape was a fabulous lie Fuck Is anyone out there Fuck it Come Show your face you cowards I'm under control I cant relax Every nerve is about to break I cant handle The uncertainty [/papercut] I cant handle All of this uncertainty Is it all real or in my head Does it really matter if it's still my life Falling farther Into this chasm i call My mind and all it's nervous thoughts I wish I could just live a regular life Why Cant I shake this Know it's a delusion but it feels so Real I'm feeling sick Surrounded on all sides but when I turn around I see no-one Fuck this I'm done Throwing Away the pieces because Something in my brain tells me they just dont fit Pieces Of me My life And everything I've lived Shattered, cut like glass Fingers shred to make them stay
3.
Fuck Did you feel the mood Shift there Say two goddamn words Now I'm a spectacle Look me in the eye When you're Talking to me I'm not just A fucking child Look at me Look at me Dont look down at me Why'd I tell you shit That I cant take back Why'd I tell you shit Cant look at me now Dissapointed with the company I keep Dont keep me around cause you feel bad for me Fuck My dignity I'll show you my skeleton room I just cant stand folks acting Like they wanna save me Motherfucker save yourself Fuck I know my life's been rough I know that think you have my heart in mind Just shut up and go Dont need pity I just need support I dont need this Fake friendly rapport Even when it's real Makes me feel ostracized Like I lie When I do fine What if they're all right That I'm really too weak To decide How I'll survive Stop that pity shit Spend that energy anywhere else but dont do it in front of me Stop that pity shit I cant stand the feeling that youre looking down on me Stop that pity shit I dont care who you helped before I can handle my own shit Stop that pity shit All this self serving bullshit sapping out all of my humanity
4.
Why cant I do All the simple tasks that my friends do Why cant I behave in a Way that doesnt make me fall apart Look in the mirror and dont like anything Dig in my heels and dont change anything Fuckin why even bother now Not like I really try I'm slipping I cant even eat I havent Showered in a motherfucking week I know it'll kill me If I cant pick up the pieces I'm so fucking worried This is how it ends Pathetic That I've sunk to this Disgusting Husk where all ambition loses light If years can heal Why have ten not I'm still sinking I've not seen the light for so long That I dont know that it's real That I cant know that I'll heal I just sit here doing nothing that could help my daily struggles Fuck I'm letting My life fall apart Everything Has just found a way to pile up I dont wanna do this shit Wanna be normal I cant die like this Refuse I need to make a change Daily feel like a failure The final straw was years ago But I feel Embarrassed Needing help with such Simple shit that my peers can do without constant reminders
5.
Never ends These last few years This constant downhill slide Personal and global it's just Total collapse of what we were promised Clock in and Work to go home To eat and go to sleep No time for some variation No power to make a change And I'm supposed to feel lucky because at least I have Home and health and work to do but fuck all that Renting isnt shit, my health based on ignorance and I cant miss a week without losing it all This cant be what we've all been working toward this whole fucking time Let me dream just a bit longer Fuck Whole fucking species surrendered To a few deep pocket cowards Leaving us asking when does it end I just dont get How anyone is satisfied I just dont get How anyone lives to old age safely I just dont get Repeat repeat repeat repeat re- I feel trapped in a loop And I'm not satisfied And I cant find a dream to chase Just ones where teeth fall out Time just doesnt feel real Doing the same old shit I know I'm not a special case I Just cant stop feeling Like I'm stuck in this Repeat repeat repeat I'm in a rut again Repeat repeat repeat I'm clawing at my eyes again Repeat repeat repeat I miss the trauma because At least in fear I felt The minutes matter

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released November 24, 2022

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